TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give everyone a collection around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he need to quit making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the venture, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from House, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It's not just unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A Trump Tower Damascus latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting attention from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge in which my PTSD may have transform-down support."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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